The quickest way to make a red light turn green is to go searching for your cigarette lighter in the glove compartment.
~~ Gary Doney
Who's the fool? The fool's the one who fools himself that he's fooling others.
~~ Malcolm S Forbes
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
~~ Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
Overheard, "You know, lady, you don't actually smoke. The cigarette does all the smoking, you are just the sucker!"
"It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics."
~~ Fletcher Knebel, Reader's Digest, December 1961.
Just what the doctor ordered.
~~ Advertisement for L & M cigarettes, 1956.
"I'll tell you why I like the cigarette business. It cost a penny to make. Sell it for a dollar. It's addictive. And there's a fantastic brand loyalty."
~~ Warren Buffett, Investment Guru
Reason often makes mistakes but conscience never does.
~~ Josh Billings
Posted by: fingers on Radar talkback blog, Sydney Morning Herald
Not only does it feel good, Garry... smoking can in fact be good for you.
At university we conducted a simple experiment.
We took 20 live worms and divided them into two groups of 10.
We then placed one group into a glass of pure drinking water and one group into a glass of water through which we filtered the smoke from a packet of B&H cigarettes.
The worms in the drinking water lived for 7 days, but the worms in the smokey water died an agonising death in less than 30 minutes; proving that if you smoke... you won't get worms!
Tobacco drieth the brain, dimmeth the sight, vitiateth the smell, hurteth the stomach, destroyeth the concoction, disturbeth the humors and spirits, corrupteth the breath, induceth a trembling of the limbs, exsiccateth the windpipe, lungs, and liver, annoyeth the milt, scorcheth the heart, and causeth the blood to be adjusted. ~~ Tobias Venner, (1577-1660). Bloomsbury book of quotations.
Schoolchildren and adults alike in England and around the world, laughed themselves silly listening to The Goons on radio back in the 50s and 60s. Spike, Harry Secombe and Peter Sellers reunited in 1972 to do a one off special called "The Last Goon Show of All".
Spike, from Australia, (His Grandmother lived in Woy Woy—yes really), was sent to fight in World War 11 and started writing and performing for other troops. Here's a bit of classic Spike humor...
This is a short extract as Spike describes the paroxysms of the heavy smokers among his fellow soldiers having their first cigarette of the day.
"As the cough rose up the inflated throat, the whole six colours were pushed up into the victim's face. It had now reached the inner mouth; the last line of defense, the cheeks, were blown out to the size of football bladders. The climax was nigh. The whole body was now a purple shuddering mass. After several mammoth attempts to contain the cough, the mouth would finally explode open! Loose teeth would fly out, bits of breakfast and a terrible rasping noise filled the room. Aweeioussheiough!! Followed by a long, silent stream of spume-laden air; on and on it went until the whole body was drained of oxygen, the eyes were popping, and veins like vines standing out on the head, which was now down 'twixt the knees."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~And if you smoke, you cough...
The other day I gave a cough
And there and then my leg fell off
A policeman near gave it a stare
And said, you cannot leave it there
I took it to a Doc who said
I'm sorry but this leg is dead
I was so shocked I started grieving
Then I heard the leg still breathing
When I knew it wasn't dead
I rushed it to a hospital bed
It was stitched back on by Dr Hay
But facing, alas the other way
Now, when I walk I have found
I only go around and around.
Nothing to do with smoking, but it's hard to resist more Spike and Goon Show jokes...
Seagoon: We can't stand around here doing nothing.
People will think we're workmen!
Chisholm: Hairy Scots, tonight we march north to England!
Secombe: But England's south!
Chisholm: Aye, we're gonna march right round the world and sneak up on them from behind!
Henry: Is this an official visit?
Seagoon: I'm afraid you'll have to put your helmet on.
Henry: Oh, dear, that'll mean re-potting the geranium.
Minnie: And the baby, too.
Seagoon: He's been buried alive under a thousand tons of earth.
Minnie: Thank heavens he's safe.
Henry: You get on baiting those elephant traps.
Minnie: I don't see the point of them, you know.
Minnie: We've never caught one.
Henry: That doesn't mean we must stop trying, Min of mine.
Think of the dangers! Supposing you came down one morning for a cream-strainer, and found an elephant in the larder, eh?
Minnie: Well, I've never seen an elephant in the larder.
Henry: That is because they're hiding, Min.
Minnie: Where do elephants hide? Tell me that! Where do elephants hide, buddy?
Henry: Well, I don't know, Min, but it's clear to me that they must hide somewhere. How else could they get away with it for so long?
Bluebottle: Unscrews false kneecap, takes out secret gun. Am in agony, as I have not got false kneecaps. Puts on bold face. AHEE! It still hurts, though.
"This is a plan of attack."
"It looks more like a nail."
"No, it's a tack."
Noddy: "Jump! The ground, will break your fall."
Minnie: Come on, here let me help you put your feet up.
Henry: You shouldn't have done that from the standing position.
People who live in glasshouses
Should pull the blinds when removing their trousers.
If you cast your bread in the water
It returns a thousand fold
So it says in the bible
That's what I've been told
So I cast my bread in the water
It was spotted by a froggy
And the bits of bread he didn't eat
Just floated back all soggy.
And that's all the jokes from Spike and The Goons for now
One thousand Americans stop smoking every day... by dying.
Ways to quit smoking
*Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can't find your cigarettes. ~ Author Unknown
*The best way to stop smoking is to carry wet matches. ~ Author Unknown
"You cannot imagine the immensity of the power and freedom I feel after quitting smoking!"